My Blog, My Confessional

My life is a hodgepodge, mishmash, smoothed-up, ramshackle, abomination of what I want it to be.

There!  It's out there... I said it.

Nothing is "perfect" and I don't expect that.  But I would like a whole lot more organisation, peace, calm, productivity and fun than I'm currently experiencing!!!  I'm over being frustrated, zoned out to the chaos or too scared and overwhelmed to exit my bed.

Shit has to change!

And it will! Starting here and now.  I figured STEP 1 was to CONFESS that there is a problem. DONE - CHECK!

Next... Ugh, equally hard to do but... STEP 2 - ADMIT to how big this problem is right now.  So, here's the list...

• My clean laundry pile has eaten my 3 seater sofa! (Although - in my defence, my dirty washing  consists of one load of darks, 2 cleaning cloths that are awaiting companions for a load of their own, and my daughter's wet blanket and mattress protector that she just did about 10 minutes ago. There is one load of whites washed and ready to hang as soon as I bring in the load of dry load hanging out there!)
• My house is a sty!  Kids rooms are messy, my room is messy, my lounge is a laundromat, the bathroom could use a good scrub, the kitchen is cluttered... sigh!
• The back patio looks like Steptoe and Son moved in even though we only just put a ton of crap out for collection two weeks ago.
• My computer files are disorganised and so are my inboxes. I have 7 inboxes (WOW - only just counted them up!) not including Facebook and they are all loaded!  Digital photos are desperately in need of sorting! So many documents are redundant and need the trashcan.
• Our home internet is sick and I just don't want to deal with getting it fixed.
• There is a to-do list a mile long for things we need to do for my husband's business.
• My kids behaviour has been pretty shoddy lately and sibling rivalry does not help matters!
• Paperwork just won't stop breeding! 
• Finances are stretched.
• My games room is the dumping ground for EVERYTING and it is unusable.

There are probably more things to say but that's a snapshot of the situation.

Bad huh?

STEP 3 - KNOW WHY (So we can avoid that pitfall in the future).  It began a while ago... I don't want to think how long.  The number is not important.  I was depressed and instead of dealing with stuff, I stuffed the stuff in boxes and hid it in the games room.  Then I didn't bother stuffing it into boxes anymore. I just stuffed it anywhere I could stuff it.  And boy have I stuffed it!

Then as I moved past my depression and my husband experienced depression while I just paddled against the tide. Then, I had another turn...  It was a big long dark tunnel for us.  

Add in 4 kids in 10 years and all their things... Some that my sentimental bone will not let me part with!

Last year, with my surprise pregnancy for my 40th year, I found myself exhausted for the first trimester.  I could not keep my eyes open at all.  So beyond the bare minimums, I didn't try.  I followed my body's lead and I slept away 3 whole months.  Then in second trimester I was like the Energiser Bunny!  So much energy but so much to do!  With no specific plan of attack, like a bunny, I just nibbled at a lot of edges and made no real impact.  

Then at 30 weeks, as I moved into the third trimester, my blood pressure went up! Monitoring began weekly then twice weekly then every 2 days. I was advised to rest and even when I was active I was uncomfortable. My feet were enormous, I felt heavy and drained.  It was at this point that I took my 'bare essentials' down to nothing more than washing dishes, washing clothes and resting.  Besides doing what I had to do to help with the children, that was all I could muster. 

My dear sweet little Tiny Guy arrived early at 34 weeks. And still NOTHING beyond childcare, dishes and laundry being washed got done because we spent most of our time at the hospital with him or driving to and from the hospital.  He came home from the nursery at almost 38 weeks.  It was a long, long month.

But then, everyone knows you get nothing done with a newborn in the house!

You also don't get much done with a new business in the family!

So onto STEP 4 - WHY CHANGE? You have to know what you are aiming at!

My Tiny Guy is 6 months old and STARTING TO ROLL!!! I am terrified!  Soon, very very very soon, this little man is going to be learning to crawl! Then walking! Then running!  And if he is anything like my other two boys, he will be CLIMBING!  We are not ready to have a crawling baby in the house, let alone any other kind of mobile infant!  Too much clutter.  Way too many tiny toys. Too many hazards!

So, we need to get this SHITWRECK of a house back under control!

I have other driving forces too.

My two oldest boys really need their own spaces.  Right now they share and they aren't doing it well.  There are lots of fights and as they grow, the space is becoming tighter and tighter.  It was fun, but it isn't fair now. Time to give them separate rooms.  But for that, I need to MAKE ROOM!

Another reason... Last week, whilst in a "you rock Mama! You can do anything" mindset, I signed up to complete my studies... GULP!  I felt confident at being able to manage it at the time!  But now...not so much. :-(  That self doubt is sitting on my left shoulder taunting me with things like, "who do you think you are?", "you're going to bomb out like before!", "How selfish are you? You know that you aren't meeting everyone's needs now, so why are you taking on another load?" and "You just aren't good at anything so why bother?"

If I can get my shit together, help my family to get theirs together too, I KNOW we can do everything we want to do and need to do, and make it work.  I know we can do MORE! I know it...  I want it!

But right now, I am facing facts. We are starting at the bottom of the hill...  We really are!

Ok... I've confessed, admitted the enormity of the problem and identified how I got here and isolated some of the reasons why I want things to change.  Getting closer to the scariest part of all... But first, STEP 5 - MAKE A PLAN!

My plan includes this blog.  This confession is the first post in my accountability to getting this done. I don't care if anyone ever reads it.  In some ways I hope no one does because then, even though I made this confession public, it will just go unnoticed.  But if someone does, I hope it helps you in some way.

SIDE ISSUE: I want to post photos. But I do not dare!  Maybe I will be ok with Before and Afters, but no promises.   I will take them, but maybe not post just yet.  We will take it as it comes.

Even thinking about a plan sends me into overwhelm.  My tummy is churning and I want to go to bed to just avoid it.  But that tactic works all too well.  That is why I am here now!  I need to feel this discomfort, sit with it and move through it into the realm of ACTION!  I will go gentle on myself.  Life has been hard, that is why I am here.  That nastiness on my shoulder is being hard enough on me. I do not need to make fuel it with more power than it already possesses.  So, my plan, just for today, is to take action on 7 things in 7 days.

Sound fair?  I think so... I hope so!  I want it to be manageable! I want it to work.  

I need it to work!

My 7 things will be:

1. Reclaim my sofa from the clean laundry mountain.
2. Enforce the new reward charts I introduced to my children this weekend.
3. Scrub that bathroom.
4. Make a donation to the Op Shop.
5. Keep the dining table a lovely space for family togetherness! (Maybe the kids will get along better after a little while of this?  We can but hope! My hair hurts from pulling at it in frustration over them bickering!)
6. Declutter the front entrance of our home so it is nicer to come home to.
7. Spend 4 hours in the games room this week.   That's only half an hour a day for 6 days. It is more than I have done up until now!  It has to help!

That seems manageable enough doesn't it?

Anything else that happens, if it does is icing!

Good!  So glad you agree!

So... Onward and upward.  :-)  The only place to go is up after all!

My intention at this point is to blog each day to stay accountable and document my progress.  But no promises.  I'm being gentle upon myself and I don't need the pressure.  But I will post again on this issue, that is for sure.  

A Heavier Topic - Suicide Intervention Training

A month ago, I began training as a Telephone Crisis Supporter.  To date, it has been an incredible experience.  So many wonderful, amazing people out there, from all walks of life, coming together to give something back to their community.  It truly is heartwarming and inspiring, and they are a fun bunch to boot!

But there has also been some uncomfortable moments as we tackle the trickier crisis topics that we will be dealing with each shift on the phones.  I am certain that there are many more of these moments to come in the next couple of months.  It is the only way of learning how we can help others.

One of those topics is suicide.

This past weekend, as part of the training, I undertook a LivingWorks ASIST course.  ASIST stands for Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training.  There are several other courses offered by LivingWorks for different groups in the community.

Talking about suicide is difficult.  Most of us don't ever want to even think about it, let alone enter into a conversation about it.  But at the same time, it is a very serious topic that affects our entire society.  If it has not touched your own life in some way, you almost certainly will know of someone who has been affected in some way.

According to Mindframe, in Australia, in 2011, 2273 people took their own lives.  As a comparison 1291 individuals lost their lives on Australian roads that same year. (Department of Infrastructure, Transport and Regional Economics)

What makes this so much more frightening is that this figure is simply recorded suicides.  It does not take into account the attempts by individuals to take their own life that resulted in needing medical attention, or those that did not.  It does not reflect the number of suicides that occurred but for whatever reason were recorded as another cause of death.  And, for myself at least, it sadly does not consider the number of people within our communities, possibly people we love, work with, talk to every single day, who have thoughts of suicide.

When you look at the situation in that light, it takes on a whole new dimension.  It is an enormous issue... But sadly, one that carries so much taboo and stigma that you can go weeks on end and not hear the word mentioned once.  And if you do, it often is referred to in humorous or crude terminology that makes light of the issue.  But it is in fact very very real.

I went into the training quite scared about my ability to deal with this particular form of crisis.  If someone I was talking to was suicidal, would I be brave enough to help?  Will I say the wrong thing and make things worse?  Can I keep my own emotions in check?  I think thoughts like that are quite normal.  It is a big, deep topic we are not familiar with.  We are not encouraged to become familiar with it.  It is daunting to face something so ominous head on.

But I am so grateful I did the training!

By no means am I wanting to test out my lessons in the real world.  I wish that I could go through life and never use them.  I wish that I could consider them like first aid, peace of mind to have - the end.  And it is a form of first aid - you intervene the suicide and make way for the safe progression into longer term forms of care and life management.

But if I continue through the Telephone Crisis Support training to the end (there are assessments and a probationary period to complete before it is official.) I sadly will use these skills.  Possibly multiple times in one shift.

But if I can help one person, that course will have been worth it, and so too my discomfort at having to face the subject head on.

Even if I don't make it through the training, simply being able to open a discussion, like writing this now, helps in some way.  I hope it takes us a fraction closer to a day where suicide is less taboo and the pain that life can bring us is more openly shared.  Maybe then this issue can be reduced in size a little, then a lot.

We can but hope.

If anyone reading this is in crisis, or feels the need to talk to someone, consider Lifeline 13 11 14.