I am accountable...

...and responsible for my actions and inactions.

Sadly, although I tried, not all of my areas of focus from last week got the attention they deserved.  That isn't to say that I did nothing all week...  I just didn't FOCUS where I intended to. Those areas were:

1. Reclaim my sofa from the clean laundry mountain.
2. Enforce the new reward charts I introduced to my children this weekend.
3. Scrub that bathroom.
4. Make a donation to the Op Shop.
5. Keep the dining table a lovely space for family togetherness.l
6. Declutter the front entrance of our home so it is nicer to come home to.
7. Spend 4 hours in the games room this week, decluttering and sorting.

So... Again I confess...

NO! STOP!

No I will not confess a single thing.  The word confess implies negativity, ill doing, fault and shame. I will not place blame and burden upon myself when I KNOW i did nothing wrong...  I don't deserve that.  Be gentle on myself. I am doing my best here...

So... I will ASSESS my progress and ANALYSE my situation.  This is how I will grow from this situation. 

Progress Notes:

1. My laundry-sofa is not so high and contains piles of folded, ready to put away items as well.
2. We had a VERY successful week of charts. So much so that I have already made up new ones for this week. Plus our reward was taking the children out for a meal and an ice-cream to follow. It was not fancy, but it was a treat.
3. Bathroom unchanged.
4. I have a black plastic garbage bag with items in it that will be donated. Items that I placed in there whilst working on reducing my laundry-sofa mountain.
5. The dining table is half clear. Our charts, school notes, a pile of baby blankets, fruit bowl and loaves of bread clutter the other end.
6. I decluttered some items from our entranceway. A work in progress.
7. I opened the door to the room once and removed a cane basket that I now store my Tiny Guy's toys in.  That is one less unused item that fills its walls. 

So the question that comes up next is, where did my focus go to? I certainly did not sit on my behind all week.

• My kitchen is a little less cluttered. 
• I put in a great deal of time to my husband's business doing things like making menus, shopping for stock, strategising, helping to keep him focused and general kitchen hand duties. 
• Caring for the children.
• Eliminating some junk from the back patio, making sure our rubbish bins will be filled to capacity this week.
• Dealing with illness, my own and my children. We have change of season bugs.
• Catching up with a friend.

As I write this blog post I am being overcome with observations about myself.  Not all of them are nice. 

Firstly, I will admit something.  I have hit delete several times and reworded things that I want to say because I am aware that the language I am choosing has negative connotations or directly devalues my efforts.  For example I wrote, "I decluttered some items from our entranceway. A work in progress." But my original point was written as, "I decluttered a little junk from the entrance. A job not complete."  It is only a small shift in language but by making a feature of "a job not complete" I infer my failure at the task I set. I did not fail. I made progress. No, I did not make as much progress as I would have liked but we stepped forward in the direction I want to head in.

I also note that in highlighting that I was sick and I spent time catching up with a friend, I felt guilt settle on me like a heavy blanket and that voice over my left shoulder was chastising me for not pushing myself harder while I felt bad, "suck it up princess," and "you don't deserve to enjoy time with friends."  How awful I am being to myself!  I am ENTITLED to down time and friendships!  Neither are a privilege and I don't have to earn them. 

I am also disheartened by what I have not written here.  My To-Do List is a rock I am carrying in the pit of my belly and what I "should" be doing is a ball and chain. What I know I need to accomplish but have not yet focused attention to is making me feel heavy, lethargic and crushed. Those pending tasks have no right to eat at me in this way! Other things, for right or wrong, took preference in my week. The important tasks on those lists will get done when they need to be done and what is unimportant will just fall to the wayside. And that is ok!  Be gentle upon myself.  My lists are just a TOOL for helping me stay on track. They are NOT a weapon for self flagellation!

There is a huge catch 22 in my peripheral vision.  I want to achieve some things, but they can not be achieved (can not, or I won't let them be - something more to consider) achieved until I do other things.  For example, I have some items I want to list and sell. I want to declutter them and I can use the money for other things!  Nothing wrong with that.  But, I am embarrassed by the state of my home and am concerned anyone coming to collect things will think poorly of me for weeds in the yard and a sofa filled with laundry. So instead of action, I sit with excess stuff around me that only IMPEDES the process of decluttering!  

Ever noticed that you get more done when you're happy and enjoying yourself?  When I think back about the week just gone the times I listened to a podcast or music were the times I achieved the most. My children help more when we are all happy too.  Yes, there is a "sweet spot" for productivity in anger. I know this to be true because I have experienced it. Turning negative energy into positive achieved is possible, but who really wants to approach anything with a gut-full of frustration and red hot rage?  Maybe the 7 Dwarfs had it right all along with their whistling and singing whilst getting the job done!

Last week I set the intention to blog daily but made no promises to comply with that intention. WHAT WAS THAT? Again... Burdening myself.  YES, accountability is awesome and it works. But it can have the negative effect of bestowing guilt and keeping that nasty little voice of ridicule on the left with plenty of ammunition to fire into my brain.  "See, you knew you couldn't blog daily even before you began! That's why you didn't promise! You knew you'd fail. You knew you wouldn't work miracles and have things shipshape. You knew you'd barely make a dent. You suck!"  Setting an intention is one thing. It is a good thing.  But not if it is oozing obligation for no GENUINE purpose!

I am not sure why but I have a resistance to time constraints that I, or others enforce.  When I hit a time frame I dig my heels in and cease activity. I don't know why, it just is how it is.  Something else for the future.

Finally, I realise I am more motivated when I look after myself and my things.  I cleared my sink of dirty dishes and placed a lit candle there.  The candle makes me smile. It emits a scent that pleases me. It celebrates a clear and clean space where once it was not.  As I put away folded towels on my linen shelf I straightened the piles and aligned them all.  It is something small, but I do enjoy symmetry and order. When I can manage that, I should celebrate it! It feels good!

So now I get to hit reset, knowing more today than I did yesterday. I get to make more plans, remembering to be kind to myself, and take action.  I will not forget to reward myself for my efforts either. Even the tiny ones!

Again, 7 things to focus on in the next 7 days.

1. Eradicate the laundry-sofa from my living area.
2. Continue with our good behaviour charting with the children.
3. Make all of the dining table useful for family fun and togetherness.
4. Continue creating a useful and attractive entrance to my home.
5. Make 3 'social' calls that I have not allowed myself time to make (because I was telling myself they were not the "best" use of my time and I haven't "earned" the right to make them.
6. Vacuum my living areas.
7. Clean my bathroom.

NOTE: Much of this list is focused in my lounge/dining area. This is good. This will not only maximise progress, perpetuation motivation and self esteem, it will allow me to release myself from the bonds of "what will people think?" if they come to my home and see the chaos! 

Already I feel the tug of what didn't make this list.  The "shoulds" and other equally important or desirable goals are heckling me.  But that is not fair.  I need a place to begin and this is where I am choosing to start. An area of my home that benefits my whole family AND my friends and visitors! I will not apologise to the other parts of my home that crave my attention. I will get to them in due course!

I feel crazy writing in this way... Addressing my random, negative thought patterns as I write.  But they obviously need to be addressed.  They have kept me hostage too long and I NEED TO BE RELEASED!

My Blog, My Confessional

My life is a hodgepodge, mishmash, smoothed-up, ramshackle, abomination of what I want it to be.

There!  It's out there... I said it.

Nothing is "perfect" and I don't expect that.  But I would like a whole lot more organisation, peace, calm, productivity and fun than I'm currently experiencing!!!  I'm over being frustrated, zoned out to the chaos or too scared and overwhelmed to exit my bed.

Shit has to change!

And it will! Starting here and now.  I figured STEP 1 was to CONFESS that there is a problem. DONE - CHECK!

Next... Ugh, equally hard to do but... STEP 2 - ADMIT to how big this problem is right now.  So, here's the list...

• My clean laundry pile has eaten my 3 seater sofa! (Although - in my defence, my dirty washing  consists of one load of darks, 2 cleaning cloths that are awaiting companions for a load of their own, and my daughter's wet blanket and mattress protector that she just did about 10 minutes ago. There is one load of whites washed and ready to hang as soon as I bring in the load of dry load hanging out there!)
• My house is a sty!  Kids rooms are messy, my room is messy, my lounge is a laundromat, the bathroom could use a good scrub, the kitchen is cluttered... sigh!
• The back patio looks like Steptoe and Son moved in even though we only just put a ton of crap out for collection two weeks ago.
• My computer files are disorganised and so are my inboxes. I have 7 inboxes (WOW - only just counted them up!) not including Facebook and they are all loaded!  Digital photos are desperately in need of sorting! So many documents are redundant and need the trashcan.
• Our home internet is sick and I just don't want to deal with getting it fixed.
• There is a to-do list a mile long for things we need to do for my husband's business.
• My kids behaviour has been pretty shoddy lately and sibling rivalry does not help matters!
• Paperwork just won't stop breeding! 
• Finances are stretched.
• My games room is the dumping ground for EVERYTING and it is unusable.

There are probably more things to say but that's a snapshot of the situation.

Bad huh?

STEP 3 - KNOW WHY (So we can avoid that pitfall in the future).  It began a while ago... I don't want to think how long.  The number is not important.  I was depressed and instead of dealing with stuff, I stuffed the stuff in boxes and hid it in the games room.  Then I didn't bother stuffing it into boxes anymore. I just stuffed it anywhere I could stuff it.  And boy have I stuffed it!

Then as I moved past my depression and my husband experienced depression while I just paddled against the tide. Then, I had another turn...  It was a big long dark tunnel for us.  

Add in 4 kids in 10 years and all their things... Some that my sentimental bone will not let me part with!

Last year, with my surprise pregnancy for my 40th year, I found myself exhausted for the first trimester.  I could not keep my eyes open at all.  So beyond the bare minimums, I didn't try.  I followed my body's lead and I slept away 3 whole months.  Then in second trimester I was like the Energiser Bunny!  So much energy but so much to do!  With no specific plan of attack, like a bunny, I just nibbled at a lot of edges and made no real impact.  

Then at 30 weeks, as I moved into the third trimester, my blood pressure went up! Monitoring began weekly then twice weekly then every 2 days. I was advised to rest and even when I was active I was uncomfortable. My feet were enormous, I felt heavy and drained.  It was at this point that I took my 'bare essentials' down to nothing more than washing dishes, washing clothes and resting.  Besides doing what I had to do to help with the children, that was all I could muster. 

My dear sweet little Tiny Guy arrived early at 34 weeks. And still NOTHING beyond childcare, dishes and laundry being washed got done because we spent most of our time at the hospital with him or driving to and from the hospital.  He came home from the nursery at almost 38 weeks.  It was a long, long month.

But then, everyone knows you get nothing done with a newborn in the house!

You also don't get much done with a new business in the family!

So onto STEP 4 - WHY CHANGE? You have to know what you are aiming at!

My Tiny Guy is 6 months old and STARTING TO ROLL!!! I am terrified!  Soon, very very very soon, this little man is going to be learning to crawl! Then walking! Then running!  And if he is anything like my other two boys, he will be CLIMBING!  We are not ready to have a crawling baby in the house, let alone any other kind of mobile infant!  Too much clutter.  Way too many tiny toys. Too many hazards!

So, we need to get this SHITWRECK of a house back under control!

I have other driving forces too.

My two oldest boys really need their own spaces.  Right now they share and they aren't doing it well.  There are lots of fights and as they grow, the space is becoming tighter and tighter.  It was fun, but it isn't fair now. Time to give them separate rooms.  But for that, I need to MAKE ROOM!

Another reason... Last week, whilst in a "you rock Mama! You can do anything" mindset, I signed up to complete my studies... GULP!  I felt confident at being able to manage it at the time!  But now...not so much. :-(  That self doubt is sitting on my left shoulder taunting me with things like, "who do you think you are?", "you're going to bomb out like before!", "How selfish are you? You know that you aren't meeting everyone's needs now, so why are you taking on another load?" and "You just aren't good at anything so why bother?"

If I can get my shit together, help my family to get theirs together too, I KNOW we can do everything we want to do and need to do, and make it work.  I know we can do MORE! I know it...  I want it!

But right now, I am facing facts. We are starting at the bottom of the hill...  We really are!

Ok... I've confessed, admitted the enormity of the problem and identified how I got here and isolated some of the reasons why I want things to change.  Getting closer to the scariest part of all... But first, STEP 5 - MAKE A PLAN!

My plan includes this blog.  This confession is the first post in my accountability to getting this done. I don't care if anyone ever reads it.  In some ways I hope no one does because then, even though I made this confession public, it will just go unnoticed.  But if someone does, I hope it helps you in some way.

SIDE ISSUE: I want to post photos. But I do not dare!  Maybe I will be ok with Before and Afters, but no promises.   I will take them, but maybe not post just yet.  We will take it as it comes.

Even thinking about a plan sends me into overwhelm.  My tummy is churning and I want to go to bed to just avoid it.  But that tactic works all too well.  That is why I am here now!  I need to feel this discomfort, sit with it and move through it into the realm of ACTION!  I will go gentle on myself.  Life has been hard, that is why I am here.  That nastiness on my shoulder is being hard enough on me. I do not need to make fuel it with more power than it already possesses.  So, my plan, just for today, is to take action on 7 things in 7 days.

Sound fair?  I think so... I hope so!  I want it to be manageable! I want it to work.  

I need it to work!

My 7 things will be:

1. Reclaim my sofa from the clean laundry mountain.
2. Enforce the new reward charts I introduced to my children this weekend.
3. Scrub that bathroom.
4. Make a donation to the Op Shop.
5. Keep the dining table a lovely space for family togetherness! (Maybe the kids will get along better after a little while of this?  We can but hope! My hair hurts from pulling at it in frustration over them bickering!)
6. Declutter the front entrance of our home so it is nicer to come home to.
7. Spend 4 hours in the games room this week.   That's only half an hour a day for 6 days. It is more than I have done up until now!  It has to help!

That seems manageable enough doesn't it?

Anything else that happens, if it does is icing!

Good!  So glad you agree!

So... Onward and upward.  :-)  The only place to go is up after all!

My intention at this point is to blog each day to stay accountable and document my progress.  But no promises.  I'm being gentle upon myself and I don't need the pressure.  But I will post again on this issue, that is for sure.  

February is the New January!

As the clean slate of 2014 lies there before me, I'm filled with eager anticipation of what I can achieve this year.  I'm filled to overflowing with zest to just get going and DO!  I want to make wonderful things happen this year!

But there is a problem..

3 problems actually...

They are called, my children.

Now don't get me wrong. I love them to pieces, and I wouldn't change having them for anything in this world.  Or the next.  They are my reason. (And sometimes my undoing... LOL)

I have reached the conclusion however, that summer school holidays and that urge to get the New Year off on the right foot, are incredibly and completely incompatible!

My urge to dive into MY year and follow MY aspirations, is regularly thwarted by, "I'm bored," "I'm hungry," "Mama! He won't leave me alone" and a myriad of minor child induced dramas.  Spilled milk, lost items, endless laundry piles, first aid incidents, cartoon reruns, toy strewn living areas and aaarrrrggghhhh!!!  I am frequently left feeling frustration and impatience instead of eager and excited.

On the flip side, while I'm struggling to find scraps of time to devote to MY year, or irritated that I can not, my children are vying for my attention or zoning out in front of the TV or xBox.  They are missing out on precious holiday time with their mother.

We are missing out on precious holiday time TOGETHER!

So, I have declared that February is the new January!

What point is there to waste time struggling to make MY New Year great, just because the calendar says it is time to start fresh!  Especially at the expense of making our school holidays less enjoyable!
Why can't February, when school returns, be the beginning of MY year?

When my babies go back to school I will blissfully submerge myself into my dreams and projects for 2014.  I will let my imagination fly and fill the blank canvas of this year.

But until then, I am focusing on children.  January needs to be about them.  I'm easing up on myself as a woman with her own interests  AND as a mother.  I'm giving myself permission to start MY year when it is most convenient for ME!  In so doing, I'm allowing myself space to enjoy my babies, work on ways that will set up our year together as a family and doing MY PRIMARY JOB of being a Mama.

In 13 days I will take my babies to school, I will get them settled for their year, and I will come home and dive into mine.  For now though, its all about fun, school preparation and loving time with one another.

I feel so much lighter in my heart and head with this excision in place.  The New Year pressure is lifted.

Start where you are and do what's right for you.  A calendar and social perception should not dictate how things should happen.  You're allowed to bend the rules and make them fit to you.

Dreams Count!

DAY 14!  Whooot Whooot!  2 whole weeks of blogging almost daily (or catching up within days!)  How awesome is that?  That is an achievement in itself!

So... Day 14 is perfect.  After Day 13's Sparkling New Directions, hot on its heels is a day of learning dedicated to making those directions one little bit more attainable!  The prompt to write upon is...

What are two key ways you could use the habits of a millionaire to monetize your blog in the next month?

So here goes...

The first habit that calls to me is NO EXCUSES!

I have a lot of excuses not to do things that could potentially bring me more joy, make life better, move me forward and so on.  There's laundry to be done, I will do it later (my favourite), I can't afford that, I can't invest the time required, there are too many other things to do, I don't have the energy/patience, I can't think straight with my house a mess or when the kids are running  around.  See I'm full of excuses...

So... The first thing I can do, bearing this in mind is to JUST START!  No more excuses, self doubts, needing permission from "someone" or anything else I can think of to keep in my comfort zone.  I think I need to just get active and start each project and run with it!  Run like the wind and don't stop even if the tricky stuff that makes it a project gets in the way.  Hurdles are not an excuse to stop, they are a reason to leap!

The second habit that resonated with me was to always move forward.  Every day, do something to get closer to the destination.  Be it big or little, forward momentum of any kind is wonderful!  

So to this end, I will set up a project book.  I will sit down and really hone in on what it is I want to create.  I will figure out what I know and don't know about making my creation a reality.  I will isolate what it is I need to learn and go after it!  Then, when I know what I need to, it really is full steam ahead with NO EXCUSES and just making it happen.  

I realise now that I need to drive what I want to achieve.  It won't grow from a idea seed if I don't give it the right conditions, nurture and nourish it.  I need to MAKE this happen.  I need to do some work, quit finding reasons not to and I need to keep the momentum up regardless of everything else in my life that is vying for my focus.  

My dreams matter as much as anything else in my life!

Sparkling New Directions

Whoohoo!  Day 13 of the 30 Day Blog Challenge!

Today's question is EASY!  Loving it!

What 3 things would you most like your website to have and how will you go about getting them?  

In lieu of a website, I shall use this blog as my base.  :-)

I want to use this blog to study, explore and share the greatness of others.  I have thought about this for some time, but now is the time to develop those thoughts in black and white.  I know so many amazing people who I admire for one reason, or many.  There are many many more I do not yet have the pleasure of knowing, and I would like to.  I want to explore each of these people, their goals, achievements, dreams, mistakes, beliefs and so on.  I want to examine what makes them tick, what makes them shine and what makes them LOVE their lives.  I want to know what 'their secret is" so I can soak it in, use it to my own advantage and make it available to the world to use for theirs!  I have been considering doing this with a series of interviews/guest posts all with a specific 'format' to follow, so that the questions that will reveal the 'secrets' will be addressed and we hit the mark every time!  I envision it to be something of a spotlight on an individual, a lesson in 'making things happen'.  I want it to be enlightening and educational and inspiring.

The side benefit from taking on a project like this will be that entrepreneurs I know, who are strugging to be known, will get one more avenue for exposure.  People I admire from afar, who dare to dabble in my little dream, will find a new source of admirers and followers, and hopefully a new perspective to look into themselves.  And for anyone just reading along, a wealth of knowledge, all in one place, to draw upon and improve their own lives.

So the second thing I would like to see grow within my blog/website, would be community.  I already have a facebook page where people who read this blog can connect and see what I've been up to here.  But I guess the logical approach would be to expand the blog, expand the readership, encourage more facebook friends, possibly start an email newsletter...

I began this blog for me, to get out of my shell and open up to the world.  It is funny to think that in just over half a year I'm now thinking that maybe, just maybe, I can help others with doing the same, as well as benefitting myself with their natural and learned wisdom.  But to do that, to share that around and make it happen, community is essential.

The final thing I'd love to see my blog allow me to do is further explore my creativity.  I see myself doing this though writing about topics that move me, inspire me.  By unleashing my creativity with colour, drawing, crafting, maybe even sewing.  Poetry perhaps?  Creativity with my children...  Making life beautiful ans sparkling.  That is what this blog was about in the beginning, life in all its aspects, soaring and dipping on sparkling wings.  The part that I feel has been missing to date is my creativity!  So I guess I just need to make time in my life to make it happen then be brave enough to let it be here!

So, there you have it!  :-)  I just honed in on a direction to head in!  Wonderful!

What a beautiful direction to head into!
Image from http://jaksview3.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/pathway-in-fall/

Unique Special Proposition

Day 12!

This 30 Day Blog Challenge has been enlightening, and challenging.  I learned a lot about myself the first week.  The days since have been more business oriented.  I find this far more difficult.  But I shall soldier on.  I just hope its interesting to read...?  

If nothing else, it is building my writing habit muscles.  And I did miss writing the past few days break.  

Today's question looks a little juicier...

What is your Unique Special Proposition that sets you apart from the crowd?

HELLOO!!!???

I'm ME of course and no one can do anything in quite the same way as ME!  Is this really a question?

:-D  LOL sorry...  Ok, tackling the topic...

So what do I love going more than anything else?  What do I do better than anyone else?  What is remarkable about me?  What can I offer someone, or the world, that no one else can offer?

If there are answers to these questions and others like them, then I will have my Unique Special Proposition.

The tough part of answering this question is tooting your own horn!  I've never been one to self promote.  In fact I'm more accustomed to self doubt and self critique while blending into the landscape!  But I can see how beneficial this question is to face up to, both personally, and later, from a business perspective.  It is just uncomfortable to do...  But growth doesn't happen if you sit inside your shell now does it?

I guess the things I love to do most are help people and to laugh.  I enjoy taking what I learn about myself and others, and forming a picture about life and what it could be, for each of us.  I feel that one of my best qualities is empathy.  I care about others. I love positive outcomes and solutions to problems.  But if problems can't be 'solved' I love the process of growing into understanding and acceptance and persevering.  I believe that we can survive anything, we can be great, we can LIVE - regardless of our lives and our circumstances.

I feel as thought I hover between introversion and extroversion.  I am comfortable with my own company and I need alone time to regenerate my resources.  But I thrive when I am surrounded by people.  I am sure that one aspect would win out if I put it to the test, but I feel that essentially I am quite balanced (most days anyhow) and I am open.

Ok... I've wrung the sponge of self-boosting enough for the moment.  I'm sure I could get another drop or two out but I am happy with the little bit I extracted.  It gives me a little foundation to build upon...

Mining For Gold Nuggets

Ahhh today will be tricky...

Day 10 of The Suitcase Entrepreneur's 30 Day Blog Challenge...!

I'm so impressed at myself for sticking in there this long!  :-)

Today's mission to write is:

What are the key ways in which you want to make money online in your chosen business OR Which are the key online revenue streams you want to focus on in your existing business?

See why its tricky?

I don't have a business... LOL  Well, not really...

BUT - I really would like to have 'something'.  So lets get writing and see what little nuggets I can mine out!

I'm not sure about KEY ways... But there is one way that I'd like to make a little money from online.
My Nutrimetics page and facebook page.  Nutrimetics is a beauty and cosmetic company who's products I adore and use myself.  Many are formulated with the oil from the apricot kernel.
I have neglected this opportunity for a long time and only half heartedly put effort in prior to that.

So... Something to focus some attention on!

That nugget wasn't so hard to find.

I also have affiliate programs set up for The Amazing Biz and Life Academy and The Desire Map.

These are both products I use and love!  The Amazing Biz and Life Academy is a whole host of goodies that teach you how to make your life, and business, AMAZING! (LOL Seriously!) And The Desire Map is all about reshaping how you look at setting goals in your life.  It turns the process on its head and looks at the Core Desired Feelings you long for in your life and THEN the goals, rather than the goals themselves, and hoping you get to feel what you hope you will, when you get there.  If you get there!  They are both FABULOUS and you should check them out!  Click my affiliate links, please!

If there are any other products I fall in love with in the future, I won't hesitate to become an affiliate.  It is an absolute win win win situation.  Win for the product creator with a sale, a win for me with a percentage of the sale, and a win for the lucky person to finally have their hands on something not only beautiful and insightful, but possibly life changing!

As for what else I could pursue to make money online, perhaps advertising on my blog once it grows a little more and I find my feet for real rather than just being committed to a challenge, like I am at this moment.  I think I need to be more secure in my ability before that.  But its something for the to do list.

I have several other ideas floating around in my mind that I would like to sink my teeth into and tackle. Some involve writing, some involve general creativity.  Some involve specific technology to allow them to become a reality.  But what they do have in common is the necessity for me to let go of my self conscious, self defeating mindset and allow myself room to create.  Without that these ideas can not be born.  After that, their potential to be lucrative, will be based upon my ability to market and spread the word and conduct the hard work of running a business.  I have so much to learn!

Then there are the physical, real life, offline opportunities I'm pursuing.  Counselling and completing my Education Assistant Certification.  Both could be considered somewhat location independent if you consider the ability to counsel and coach from anywhere in the world via technology.  And the creative aspect of being involved in education can only aid my ability to unfurl my artistic wings... surely!  And if not, the supreme organisational skill required in a job light that might help me to get the rest of my business life running smoothly.  But if all else fails, it could be very interesting doing relief work in various locales..

The sky really is the limit.  And with Sparkling Wings, I can reach it if I want to!

Catching the Tranquility Bug

Day 9 of The SuitcaseEntrepreneur's 30 Day Blog Challenge!  Whooohooo!

Today's topic isn't as touchy-feely as the previous ones, to my mind anyway.  But the challenge was to get writing!  I'm tackling it head on.  It's just that I have chosen to participate in a blog challenge with a business twist and I don't actually HAVE a business.  Nor do I know what I want to be when I grow up.  So, hurdles can be expected.

But hurdles were created to jump!

Whose online business do you admire most, and why?

There are hundreds upon thousands of online businesses out there.  I'm sure I have only encountered the tip of the iceberg, when it comes to goods and services available on the internet. 

But when I ask myself this question.  One Entrepreneur-Extraordianaire stands out for me.

Kimberly Wilson, is the founder of Tranquil Space yoga studio in Washington DC, designer of an eco-fashion line named TranquiliT, author of three books, Hip Tranquil Chick, Tranquilista, and Tranquilologie, as well as the co-founder of Tranquil Space Foundation.  She is a passionate animal rights activist, hosts a fortnightly podcast, hosts global retreats, creates e-courses and has a wonderful sense of style. She blogs, indulges in creativity, is well educated and has an AMAZING ability to pack life full of goodness while remaining (to the observer) unfrazzled, and indeed, in a state of TRANQUILITY!

How does she do it?

If I could emulate anyone's online business style, perhaps even some elements of lifestyle, it would be Kimberley's.

She has so many beautiful strings to her bow of life:

• A physical workplace where she holds classes, runs a business, employs others and works with her passion for yoga.  
• The ability to explore her creativity in her writing.
• The ability to extend that creativity into a totally different direction with fashion design.
• Fulfilment from do-gooding in a variety of ways, most notably her own non-profit organisation and animal rights activism.
• Jaunting off around the world for yoga retreats and all the bliss that travel entails.
• Creativity through blogging and podcasting and even video podcasting.
• Creating e-courses.
• Seemingly an endless thirst for knowledge through study and oh-so-much reading. (She's an excellent source of great non-fiction books to sink your teeth into!)
• Lover of sparkles, cupcakes, furry creatures, all things pink, Paris, vintage and cute. 
• She's into art journaling and journaling.  
• A strong sense of family.

And that's just the public side of her!  I'm sure there has to be more beneath the surface.  The part that makes her who she, is as a person, as a woman. Not just the who public profile.

I admire how she has drawn so many ribbons of passion into the bow she is living.  I'm sure there are parts of running several businesses that don't make her feel giddy with pleasure or even bring on a sense of tranquil bliss.  But the fact that she's obviously living her dreams would go a long way in counteracting the inevitable drudge aspects.  

I also admire that she has so many passions and seems to immerse herself into them fully, and they support her lifestyle completely.  It appears to almost be a positive spiral upward.  She loves what she does. She is rewarded for it, which makes her love what she does even more.  

Who wouldn't want that kind of life?

So, what can I do to emulate Kimberly's lifestyle/business style?

Reading between the lines, I imagine she is IMMENSELY well organised and a tiger when it comes to time management!  I have already identified in Day 7 that I need to hone these skills so that all strings of my life bow can come together neatly, even attractively, rather than what feels some days, to be a helpless ball of knotted wet string!  

Again, in Day 7's challenge, I identified that I could use a permission slip to just let go and be creative.  I need to hang the "I don't care" sign on the door and forget the judges and critics and do what makes me glow! Kimberly seems to have this down pat!  I can't see how she could be negatively criticised, or if she were, how it could possibly stifle her.  It seems she would never allow that to be.

I would also love to develop multiple streams of income that allowed me a life where I could nest or fly free, whenever, wherever.

How can I bring all of this together?

Keep doing what I have been I suppose.  Delving deep into who I am.  Exploring life and what opportunities shine brightly for me.  Keep my mind open, my heart open and my wings open.  Fly with purpose, but let the breeze help guide my trajectory.  

No Prompting!!!!

Eeek!  Day 8 of The Suitcase Entrepreneur's 30 Day Blog Challenge, has not got an actual challenge topic!  And I'm itching to write!  Who'd have thunk it?  :-)  I've been so hit and miss with blogging that I never imagined I'd be itching to write and not actually have a topic to write on! Let alone encounter that problem within the space of a week!

What an incredible revelation... I actually enjoy writing!

This past week has been filled with revelations actually.  It is very liberating when you grow into your skin.  There is a long way to go, I know this. But I am feeling more and more comfortable as I go.  And I like this feeling very much.

I love the realisation that I have the majority of the framework of my life already in place.  There are some missing beams and pillars.  There are also some structural modifications that need to happen.  But essentially, a there is a form, a shape of a life that I love, already in existence.  I have my family that I'd die for.  I have passions that keep my mind churning.  I'm learning about myself daily.  I've tasted travel and want more, more, more!  My spiritual self is growing and revealing itself, and in turn, I am also growing and unfurling my wings, showing the colours in the sunlight, finally.  My life framework just needs some remodelling, refurbishing and redecorating...  And maybe a bit of bling!

It isn't just this 30 Day Challenge.  It has been a long succession of high moments, low moments, slaps of reality and well deserved kicks in the pants!  It has been intensifying in the past year or two. But this challenge is keeping life, and what I want from it, square in the forefront of my mind right now.  Right where I need it to be so that I can REALLY dig into it and do something amazing and wonderful.

I posted on my facebook page on Monday, saying, "Oh, how easy it is for LIFE to distract you from LIVING!"

I've done this almost my entire life.  I've done a million things without heart and soul involvement.  I've made choices based on the needs and desires of others.  I have gone against my instinct.  I have even done nothing, letting fear, self-doubt and shame overshadow my light.  In fact I have even given away my power and waited to be rescued.  I am certain I will do all of these things again and again in my life, in the days to come.  We all make mistakes, we all misjudge, we all make choices based upon limited knowledge.  We all gamble with life.  It is how we live.  But, what I hope for in the future, is that I do more LIVING in the now than being distracted by the stuff of LIFE.

Butterfly image, courtesy of
https://www.facebook.com/RainbowFarmPhotography

Bring on Day 9!

 

I'm Up For A Challenge!

When I began this blog in January of this year, my intent was to write for me and me alone.  However, I chose to make it a public blog, to take the chance that 'someone' might read it.  Someone I might know.  Someone who knows me.  Or perhaps someone who just stumbles upon this page.  I did this because I wanted to grow into myself better.

My whole life I've been uncomfortable with showing people what I've written or created.  I don't know why.  I just never felt 'good enough' or that anything I could produce would be worthy of someone else's time.  Whilst I know that on an intellectual level, this is quite crazy, on a heart level, it was my truth.  

So... On Sparkling Wings - the blog - was born as a direct challenge to that heart/mind conflict.  It was a way for me to crack open my protective cocoon and not necessarily crawl out (Although I perhaps have done so since starting the page...  I don't know.  That is for another blog post!) but potentially invite someone else in to see me and what I can, or can't. do.  My achievements and my failures are both valuable, and potentially not just to me!  There is a chance that someone else might find them both interesting or enlightening. 

Today I am beginning a challenge...  A 30 Day blogging challenge!  You can read about it here.

Why would I take on such a challenge?  Well... my lovely friend Coralie of Rainbow Farm Photography discovered it and asked me to join in.  What better reason does one need than to play with their friends?    :-)

I also decided to take up the challenge because although I only ever intended to write for myself, I don't feel I write enough.  Another opportunity to grow into myself is being presented to me on a silver platter.  This time, it is the opportunity to find some discipline.  To partake in something daily, to build routine, to keep me going forward even when motivation is lacking.  I think this challenge may be just what I need to help kickstart my "sticktoitness" that I always feel I lack.

It is worth a shot!

So today's challenge to write on was to answer WHY I started the blog (To challenge myself), WHO was my intended audience (Myself and whoever else happened across my page), WHAT my blog was to be about (My achievements, failures and anything else in between), WHY I took on the 30 Day challenge (Moral support of Coralie and to challenge myself more) and WHAT I hope to get out of it (Discipline to write and courage to take that discipline to other areas of my life!)

There is it in a nutshell!

:-)

Bring on tomorrow!!! I'm ready for whatever is coming my way!

A Heavier Topic - Suicide Intervention Training

A month ago, I began training as a Telephone Crisis Supporter.  To date, it has been an incredible experience.  So many wonderful, amazing people out there, from all walks of life, coming together to give something back to their community.  It truly is heartwarming and inspiring, and they are a fun bunch to boot!

But there has also been some uncomfortable moments as we tackle the trickier crisis topics that we will be dealing with each shift on the phones.  I am certain that there are many more of these moments to come in the next couple of months.  It is the only way of learning how we can help others.

One of those topics is suicide.

This past weekend, as part of the training, I undertook a LivingWorks ASIST course.  ASIST stands for Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training.  There are several other courses offered by LivingWorks for different groups in the community.

Talking about suicide is difficult.  Most of us don't ever want to even think about it, let alone enter into a conversation about it.  But at the same time, it is a very serious topic that affects our entire society.  If it has not touched your own life in some way, you almost certainly will know of someone who has been affected in some way.

According to Mindframe, in Australia, in 2011, 2273 people took their own lives.  As a comparison 1291 individuals lost their lives on Australian roads that same year. (Department of Infrastructure, Transport and Regional Economics)

What makes this so much more frightening is that this figure is simply recorded suicides.  It does not take into account the attempts by individuals to take their own life that resulted in needing medical attention, or those that did not.  It does not reflect the number of suicides that occurred but for whatever reason were recorded as another cause of death.  And, for myself at least, it sadly does not consider the number of people within our communities, possibly people we love, work with, talk to every single day, who have thoughts of suicide.

When you look at the situation in that light, it takes on a whole new dimension.  It is an enormous issue... But sadly, one that carries so much taboo and stigma that you can go weeks on end and not hear the word mentioned once.  And if you do, it often is referred to in humorous or crude terminology that makes light of the issue.  But it is in fact very very real.

I went into the training quite scared about my ability to deal with this particular form of crisis.  If someone I was talking to was suicidal, would I be brave enough to help?  Will I say the wrong thing and make things worse?  Can I keep my own emotions in check?  I think thoughts like that are quite normal.  It is a big, deep topic we are not familiar with.  We are not encouraged to become familiar with it.  It is daunting to face something so ominous head on.

But I am so grateful I did the training!

By no means am I wanting to test out my lessons in the real world.  I wish that I could go through life and never use them.  I wish that I could consider them like first aid, peace of mind to have - the end.  And it is a form of first aid - you intervene the suicide and make way for the safe progression into longer term forms of care and life management.

But if I continue through the Telephone Crisis Support training to the end (there are assessments and a probationary period to complete before it is official.) I sadly will use these skills.  Possibly multiple times in one shift.

But if I can help one person, that course will have been worth it, and so too my discomfort at having to face the subject head on.

Even if I don't make it through the training, simply being able to open a discussion, like writing this now, helps in some way.  I hope it takes us a fraction closer to a day where suicide is less taboo and the pain that life can bring us is more openly shared.  Maybe then this issue can be reduced in size a little, then a lot.

We can but hope.

If anyone reading this is in crisis, or feels the need to talk to someone, consider Lifeline 13 11 14.

100 Things To Do This Year - List 1

It is 3am and I'm feeling yucky.  Blocked sinuses, gunky breathing, coughing, watery eyes.  You know the drill.  YUCK.

Since I can't sleep and I feel horrible, I thought I'd do a check in on an exercise I did early in the year from the Amazing Biz + Life Academy's workbooks and planner for 2013.



The idea was to create a list of 100 things you'd like to do this year.  They could be anything from tiny to-do's to dreams come true.  You just had to list 100.

I got stuck at about 26 I think.  I had to sit there a while and work through the block, and them BOOM! Riding a camel popped into my head.  Naturally!  And I was off and running again!  I went above and beyond 100 things.  Some of those I will filter off into a "Bucket List" if they involve more time or money than I can spare at present.  But the exercise went so well that I had to divide my list into 'sectors' to keep my head straight.  I came out with 5 lists to work on in the areas of:

• Me! 
• Kids!
• Home!
• Creativity!
• Money!

I'm going to share the ME! list now.  I'm just curious to see what I've achieved so far.  I need a morale boost (hopefully) or a kick in the pants - possibly both!

1. Climb Central Park Tower in the Step Up For MS Challenge
2. Raise $250! (I raised $1,145!!!)
3. Journal regularly
4. Complete Certificate III Ed Suport
5. Get a Pap Smear (WHOOHOO! Living the dream!)
6. Convert old home movies to DVD
7. Sort and store old digital photos
8. Go to King's Park and spend the day alone exploring
9. Try yoga (Love it!)
10. Visit my friend Coralie of Rainbow Farm Photography
11. Learn to crochet
12. Get a massage
13. Try at least one 'ugly' food
14. Scrapbook the kid's keepsakes
15. Visit Nana (I want to do this again before the end of the year!)
16. Tell my Nana I love her
17. Tell my whole family I love them
18. Send more birthday cards
19. Email long distance friends at least twice each over the year
20. Write a real hand written letter to someone!
21. Create a 'creative space' for myself
22. Try Zumba
23. Send updated photographs of the children to family members who'd love to see them
24. Buy a corset!
25. Try belly dancing LOVE LOVE LOVE!
26. Get my old hard drive retrieved
27. Learn more Dutch
28. Ride a camel
29. Re-string and play around with my dusty old neglected guitar
30. Drink more tea
31. Get myself a bicycle
32. Build a deeper relationship with someone who matters <3
33. Write my baby's birth stories
34. See the ophthalmologist
35. Become an organ donor
36. Put some chalk in my bag and write some love notes to the world and random strangers
37. Pay a total stranger a compliment
38. Dye my hair a crazy colour 
39. Try video calling someone I haven't seen in a long long time
40. Write a bucket list
41. Spend a day being crafty
42. Expand my musical library
43. Watch a few more movies
44. Go to the cinema alone for a girly flick
45. Read at least 12 books (Tally is at 1 so far!)
46. Create something fun like an origami toy and give to a child on a train or bus
47. Buy myself new pillows
48. Get my sunglasses fixed
49. Spend a day at the zoo alone
50. Journal my romances
51. Do some drawing I'm trying!
52. Use my reader
53. Learn to be calmer when the kids drive me mad! LOL
54. Do a self defence course
55. Write my children's book
56. Watch "HOUSE" in full
57. Learn to sing
58. Sing in public - get over a fear
59. Apply for LifeLine Telephone Counselling Start training in July!
60. Get my tooth fixed
61. Care for my skin more
62. Buy jeans
63. Run 5kms
64. Find a way to earn extra money
65. Go to lunch with friends more
66. Go out for coffee on my own and people watch
67. Get dressed up, go for drinks, dancing and laughing with friends - its been too long
68. Get a manicure and pedicure
69. Get photos taken
70. Create a dream board
71. Make my last wishes known
72. Get myself a jewellery box that fits everything!
73. Get my birthday and address books updated
74. Exercise my gonads - be more assertive
75. Start a public blog TA-DA!
76. Scrapbook my wedding album
77. Store my keepsakes properly
78. Develop my intuition
79. Listen to more podcasts
80. Bake more So far so good
81. Make more long distance phone calls
82. Make life simpler with routines
83. Create a reading nook
84. Have an organised and 'traditional' christmas
85. Send a 'just because' gift to someone
86. Volunteer at the school Started out with playgroup and now working on a literacy program
87. Horse riding lessons
88. Declutter my house!
89. Study something I love for fun
90. Try "green smoothies"
91. Give up Coke - again...
92. Try applique
93. Buy myself a red dress
94. Get some awesome boots
95. Walk more
96. Eat meals and take coffee breaks outdoors
97. Sit in the sun and think
98. Go on a trip somewhere alone to somewhere new
99. Go swimming
100. Learn to do the splits

14 out of 100... Not bad... But I can do better!  I have a second 100 list for me in progress.

Watch this space...  :-)  I'll cross off more things soon.  And I'll share my other 'lists' as well. 

Finding A Missing Mojo!

Last week I feel in a heap.  All the zip and zing I had in my veins just seeped out overnight.  I was left flat and idle, wishing I knew what to do to get it back...

I did what "they" tell you to do.  I listened to my body.  I slept.  I ate sugar. I took great pains to move despite my lack of enthusiasm.  I didn't eat sugar...  Well none of that helped!  I prompted myself with lists.  I tried to bribe myself into action.  All I got for my efforts was 'blah' and overwhelm.

So yesterday I approached things differently.  

Yesterday I set my goal to do one load of laundry.

While it was in the washing machine I vowed to hang it out when it was done.  

While hanging it out, I decided I'd do one more load.

While it was washing, I decided that I had to fold what I washed so that I had room for the second load on the washing line.  I decided I didn't want to deal with socks and stuffed them in a pile for later.  :-)

As I hung the second load, I decided I'd poke my head into my "games room" and decide on ONE thing I could do in there.  (My games room is a huge source of overwhelm as it is the central collection point for all things 'junk' in my home.  Its chaos.  But I also have high hopes of it becoming my creative space.  :-)  

So my laundry hung I dare to open the door and I decide I can move a crate of stuff out of the corner to make space for something else.  I moved the crate.  Then I left.

I dillydallied for a while.  Then I decided I would re-enter the games room and relocate the item I wanted in the corner.  I did so, then left.

I bathed my children, and while I did so, I decided I would free the fridge from left overs for our dinner!

My day progressed in this manner.  Doing only the next indicated task and making one decision at a time.  Sometimes that decision was a task in itself so I stopped there, knowing that when I had the next little urge or energy fluctuation, I had a plan!  So although by sunset my day was not filled to the brim with amazing achievement, it was not a waste.  My energy was still low but I'd done something despite it. I'd taken one little action after another and another and another. 

My babies went to bed and so did I.  

I woke in the wee hours.  I've been doing this a lot lately.  My brain switches on when I should be sleeping and I lay there thinking about all those "should's" and "haven't yet's" that are on my to do lists.  I start to guilt myself for all the things I "could" be doing instead of trying to sleep, since I'm obviously awake...  

What I usually do is get out of bed, run a lovely hot bath and soak in the tub with my notebook and pen, intending to write lists and 'get myself together'.  But instead I find myself messing about on the iPhone (Yes, I know you shouldn't use your IPhone in the bath, but I do!  :-p) and later, as we get toward sunrise, I begin the mental battle of "do I get out of the bath and study?" or "do I get out of the bath and get some exercise!"  BOTH are pressing issues for me at present.  I've fallen behind (typically) with my study and I have not done nearly enough training for the Step Up For MS challenge that I am signed up for!  

PLEASE SUPPORT ME!

The silly thing is, by the time I've decided what to do, its getting close to the time my kids need to be up for school and I'm TIRED!  So I sneak off to bed for a few minutes rest before the alarm goes off, vowing I'll study and exercise in the afternoon!  WHAT A JOKE!  It never happens.

But this morning when I woke in the wee hours... I didn't fall into the same trap of most mornings.  This morning I applied my method of one decision at a time.  I ran the bath, washed my hair and body and decided I'd play on the phone for a while.  Then I decided I'd read a chapter of my textbook.  Then I decided that I'd read another.  Then I decided to get out and get ready for my day.  :-)

Today was one of those days where things run smoothly.  The kids were dressed and eating breakfast with their shoes on with no effort at all.  So I decided, since I was on a roll of deciding things, to get my dishwasher running.  I decided to start loading the washing machine after that.  I decided to head back to the games room and move one more item to where I want it to be!  By this time it was time to take my boys to school.  

Now by this point, since I will have been awake for several hours, I was losing my puff.  My snuggly bed was calling my name.  But I decided to push through and go to my yoga class.  I'm so glad I did!  When it was over I was energised.  I didn't need to drag myself off to volunteer at the school play group  like I feared I might have to.  In fact I even got into the sandpit and played with the kids for a bit!  We sang and had fruit and when it was done, I walked/JOGGED home.  

And now I'm feeling like I've got it back again...  I've relocated my mojo!  Whooohooo!

I'm not feeling overwhelmed or low on energy now.  I'm feeling productive and inspired to keep doing more!  And I did do more!  I found my son's library book whilst tidying my desk.  He'd left it behind this morning so I walk/jogged to school again to give it to him in time for his class's turn at visiting the library.  :-)  Yay Mama!

I've been thinking...  When you exercise, you reach a point where you're tired or starting to hurt, but you're not at the end of the workout yet.  You just have to go steadily and keep mentally telling yourself you can do it.  Just one more step.  Just one more after that.  And another one.  You can do it! One more lunge, one more step...  Until you're done.  And when you're done you feel amazing!

Well finding my mojo has been just like that.  A whole series of one step after the next. Not focusing on anything else but the next task.  One bite of the elephant at a time. All I had to do was just push on through that difficult patch to get back into the feel good zone!!!

Perfect Neglect

My poor little baby blog... Neglected so soon!  I'm so sorry, sweet one!

LOL

My neglect has not been intentional, I promise!   My neglect is the product of three issues.

ISSUE A
I have too many dreams on the boil and not enough time in the day to focus on them all!

ISSUE B
Life has been crazy busy!  The kiddlywinks are back at school, my husband started a NEW JOB, and we're in a juicy state of chaos!  Hopefully, we'll find a pattern to it all soon and fall into our regular serving of chaos!

ISSUE C
I am a perfectionist!

It is ISSUE C that ALWAYS HOLDS ME BACK!

You know my first post on this blog about not waiting anymore to do what I want to do?  LOL  Well... it still applies!  But the enemy of that attitude for me is PERFECTIONISM!

Now I don't mean the type of perfectionism that is depicted by show home living spaces, straight A grades, every single I dotted, T crossed and manicured nails and salon styled hair each day.  Far from it!

I'm afflicted with the other variety of perfectionism.  The type that can render me motionless - completely imcapacitated from the brain down.  The type that sees me leave things until tomorrow, or when the children go to bed or any other procrastinatory notions! My head will whirr and buzz and I can see and taste and feel what I want to achieve.  BUT...  That big big BUT...

If I can't do it right, first time, there's no point starting at all right now.

Crazy thinking isn't it?  I know it is.

In real terms, it means that if I can't clean a room from skirting boards to cornices, I won't do it right now (at all).  Or if I can't come up with the opening line of an essay, I'll write the whole thing later.  I'll leave a creative idea to fester in the darkness of my mind because I don't know the skills/have the tools/time to bring it to life right now.  I even stagnate on the sofa rather than go for a quick walk to the park because its less than a kilometre and will take me longer to put my shoes on than actually walk!  I tell myself that if its not going to take me at least half an hour and cover at least 3 kilometres, that it is not worth getting off my behind for!

Madness!!!

It drives me crazy!  Fixing a lifelong mindset is hard work!

All I can do is keep on calling myself on the madness and trying to correct it.  I can keep on saying things to myself like "near enough is good enough" and "just get it out there" and "you can't ever get it right if you don't ever get it started".  Sooner or later, I hope, I'll believe those words and never procrastinate over getting it right and done first time ever again! Until then, all I can do is keep on talking over the defective baseline in my noggin.

So issues A and B will sort themselves out over time.  I'm working on lists and setting goals and formulating projects for making things happen.  My family are adjusting to new schedules and jiggling logistics.  That will slot into place soon enough.  But Issue C...  LOL That one needs constant attention.

So there is my excuse for neglecting my baby blog.  It most certainly isn't that I lost interest.  I just haven't been able to write what I wanted, when I wanted to, in a manner that made me feel ok about anyone reading it!  I prefer to settle into inaction when doing things for my family, myself or my friends.  Doing something that is sitting out in the pixellated ether is that much harder!  Its got to be perfect because "someone" might read it, right?

The fear of judgment.  (Another topic for another day perhaps?)

Well someone might read it.  And if they like it they'll keep reading and the message, as imprecise, grammatically malfunctioned and lacking in finesse, will (hopefully) get through.  And if not, WHO CARES!  Really?  There are a zillion other blogs out there to go read!

What really matters most, to me, is that I will have gotten what's on my mind, out into the open.  I'll be set free from it buzzing inside my cranium.  I'll be rewarded with knowing that I did something perfectly imperfect.

Thumbing my nose at perfectionism & procrastination!
"You both lost this round!" :-p

love
Penny

Miraculous Change

Something significant has happened...

I'm awake!  The sun is so beautiful and warm.   It hangs in an intensely blue sky.  The breeze is exhilarating and ready to carry me away on my sparkling dream wings...  I'm filled to overflowing with energy and eagerness to FLY!

I've been waiting too long.  I have been waiting for the time to be right, the circumstances to be different.  I've been waiting for permission from others, or from myself.  I've been waiting to change, or for others to change.  I have been waiting for luck, perfection, inspiration - something!  I've been waiting for the fear to go away so I can follow what's in my heart.  I've been waiting for 'one day'.  It feels like I have been waiting for an eternity...

The truth is, what I've been waiting for MIGHT happen if I wait long enough for it.  But, it just might not too.

And what of the time that passes while I wait?  What joy is there in existing?

It comes, it goes. It merges into the grey of each day. It is there...  Its just not as vibrant and all-consuming as it 'should' be.

The past few weeks have brought me change.  Not the change I'd been anticipating.  But change nonetheless.  I've been dealt curve balls from left field.  Things that have shaken my core, challenged me, frightened me, brought me deep sadness.  But ultimately, this change has jolted me to reality.

The miracle here is that the reality I'm in is incredibly exciting, as opposed to the reality that could have been.  The reality I've habitually fallen into in the past when life deals lemons.   Those curve balls could just as easily have sent me into depression, to anger, to wither in fear...  This time, they have not!

I'd be lying if I said those negative emotions didn't cross my path.  But they did not stay with me long.  I most certainly felt them.  I've ached, I've cried, I have hidden them from myself and others, I've had tantrums, the whole gamut.  All of the negative emotion has washed over me.  I realise that I probably will feel them all again, because healing is a process.  It does not just happen.  But I've been blessed this time with the overwhelming miracle of feeling compassion and a sense of what really matters.  I've been filled up with passion to go out and make my dreams into my reality.  Those positive emotions are anchored deeply this time.  They feel like they belong to me and won't be fleeting.

 I've been given freedom to not wait anymore.