Sunday, February 24, 2013

Perfect Neglect

My poor little baby blog... Neglected so soon!  I'm so sorry, sweet one!


My neglect has not been intentional, I promise!   My neglect is the product of three issues.

I have too many dreams on the boil and not enough time in the day to focus on them all!

Life has been crazy busy!  The kiddlywinks are back at school, my husband started a NEW JOB, and we're in a juicy state of chaos!  Hopefully, we'll find a pattern to it all soon and fall into our regular serving of chaos!

I am a perfectionist!


You know my first post on this blog about not waiting anymore to do what I want to do?  LOL  Well... it still applies!  But the enemy of that attitude for me is PERFECTIONISM!

Now I don't mean the type of perfectionism that is depicted by show home living spaces, straight A grades, every single I dotted, T crossed and manicured nails and salon styled hair each day.  Far from it!

I'm afflicted with the other variety of perfectionism.  The type that can render me motionless - completely imcapacitated from the brain down.  The type that sees me leave things until tomorrow, or when the children go to bed or any other procrastinatory notions! My head will whirr and buzz and I can see and taste and feel what I want to achieve.  BUT...  That big big BUT...

If I can't do it right, first time, there's no point starting at all right now.

Crazy thinking isn't it?  I know it is.

In real terms, it means that if I can't clean a room from skirting boards to cornices, I won't do it right now (at all).  Or if I can't come up with the opening line of an essay, I'll write the whole thing later.  I'll leave a creative idea to fester in the darkness of my mind because I don't know the skills/have the tools/time to bring it to life right now.  I even stagnate on the sofa rather than go for a quick walk to the park because its less than a kilometre and will take me longer to put my shoes on than actually walk!  I tell myself that if its not going to take me at least half an hour and cover at least 3 kilometres, that it is not worth getting off my behind for!


It drives me crazy!  Fixing a lifelong mindset is hard work!

All I can do is keep on calling myself on the madness and trying to correct it.  I can keep on saying things to myself like "near enough is good enough" and "just get it out there" and "you can't ever get it right if you don't ever get it started".  Sooner or later, I hope, I'll believe those words and never procrastinate over getting it right and done first time ever again! Until then, all I can do is keep on talking over the defective baseline in my noggin.

So issues A and B will sort themselves out over time.  I'm working on lists and setting goals and formulating projects for making things happen.  My family are adjusting to new schedules and jiggling logistics.  That will slot into place soon enough.  But Issue C...  LOL That one needs constant attention.

So there is my excuse for neglecting my baby blog.  It most certainly isn't that I lost interest.  I just haven't been able to write what I wanted, when I wanted to, in a manner that made me feel ok about anyone reading it!  I prefer to settle into inaction when doing things for my family, myself or my friends.  Doing something that is sitting out in the pixellated ether is that much harder!  Its got to be perfect because "someone" might read it, right?

The fear of judgment.  (Another topic for another day perhaps?)

Well someone might read it.  And if they like it they'll keep reading and the message, as imprecise, grammatically malfunctioned and lacking in finesse, will (hopefully) get through.  And if not, WHO CARES!  Really?  There are a zillion other blogs out there to go read!

What really matters most, to me, is that I will have gotten what's on my mind, out into the open.  I'll be set free from it buzzing inside my cranium.  I'll be rewarded with knowing that I did something perfectly imperfect.

Thumbing my nose at perfectionism & procrastination!
"You both lost this round!" :-p


Friday, February 8, 2013

Lessons from Every Day Rituals.

Inspiration can come from anywhere!

Today, for me, it came from a blog post, penned by the gorgeous Silvia De Vries and published by the  magnificent Pepi Valderrama on her blog.  The article was entitled The Healing Rituals of Everyday Life.

Silvia suggested an exercise in mindfulness, by either writing down or photographing every day activities.  The idea caught my attention as I've been endeavouring to be more present recently.  Simply trying to pay attention to the here and now, rather than existing and missing the beauty of the moment, whilst letting my mind wander aimlessly to the past and future with it's endless to-do list

So, I took on the challenge.

I learned an awful lot about myself, my home, my family...  Some wonderful things.  Some that surprised me.  And some, that unfortunately I'm not happy to learn!  But now that I have, I can work on  righting the wrongs, as I feel them to be.

Here is an account of my day in photographs.

So what did I learn?
  • HOUSEHOLD: I have WAY TOO MUCH laundry!  But I got on top of it simply because I was being mindful to document my progress throughout the day.  
  • HOUSEHOLD: Taking photographs of every day activities made me very aware of what I need to tidy up around my home!  As I went to take pictures, I'd think to myself, "Ugh, don't want that in the background!"  So now I have a mental list of to-do's to add to the already on paper list of to-do's.
  • PHOTOGRAPHY: As a consequence of the above, I began working on camera angles that did not highlight what I prefer not to be seen...  Call me sneaky - I don't mind! :-)
  • SELF CARE: I forget to eat!  And when I do remember to eat, I was so consumed by the process of eating, I forgot to take pictures of those moments.  You missed out on the awesome lasagne we had for dinner tonight!  Sorry!  And no, they are not sticks in my yogurt!  They are some kind of fibre crunchy thing that is actually quite tasty!
  • TIME MANAGEMENT: Even though I was being mindful of my every day activities, I still 'lost' an awful lot of time during my day.  You know, those moments where we get to surfing the web for an answer to a question that should take 5 minutes at most, but ends up taking us three quarts of an hour!  Oops!  Or when you sit down for a rest and suddenly half an hour has passed.
  • SELF CARE: Cat naps in the day time are fabulous!  I managed about 20 minutes and felt so much better for it!
  • FAMILY: My dog is lazy!  Except when I forget to feed her.  She reminded me as I was putting the children to bed!
  • FAMILY: My oldest son has a loose tooth!  Exciting!  

It was a wonderful exercise to do.  It kept me on task for much of the day and I achieved a lot.  Possibly more than I usually would.  But I'm also left with the awareness that I could have achieved a lot more!  

Oddly enough while I was folding my laundry today, I listened to a podcast talking about making the best use of your weekends (or any free time).  It wasn't planned.  I just picked something to listen to from my podcasts and that's what came up.  Nothing like a bit of synchronicity to hone in a concept!  You can find the podcast here.  The podcast is by Kimberly Wilson and is an interview of Laura Vanderkam, author of the What The Most Successful People do series of ebooks.  

Tomorrow is another day...  I'm taking my lessons from today and running with them!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Miraculous Change

Something significant has happened...

I'm awake!  The sun is so beautiful and warm.   It hangs in an intensely blue sky.  The breeze is exhilarating and ready to carry me away on my sparkling dream wings...  I'm filled to overflowing with energy and eagerness to FLY!

I've been waiting too long.  I have been waiting for the time to be right, the circumstances to be different.  I've been waiting for permission from others, or from myself.  I've been waiting to change, or for others to change.  I have been waiting for luck, perfection, inspiration - something!  I've been waiting for the fear to go away so I can follow what's in my heart.  I've been waiting for 'one day'.  It feels like I have been waiting for an eternity...

The truth is, what I've been waiting for MIGHT happen if I wait long enough for it.  But, it just might not too.

And what of the time that passes while I wait?  What joy is there in existing?

It comes, it goes. It merges into the grey of each day. It is there...  Its just not as vibrant and all-consuming as it 'should' be.

The past few weeks have brought me change.  Not the change I'd been anticipating.  But change nonetheless.  I've been dealt curve balls from left field.  Things that have shaken my core, challenged me, frightened me, brought me deep sadness.  But ultimately, this change has jolted me to reality.

The miracle here is that the reality I'm in is incredibly exciting, as opposed to the reality that could have been.  The reality I've habitually fallen into in the past when life deals lemons.   Those curve balls could just as easily have sent me into depression, to anger, to wither in fear...  This time, they have not!

I'd be lying if I said those negative emotions didn't cross my path.  But they did not stay with me long.  I most certainly felt them.  I've ached, I've cried, I have hidden them from myself and others, I've had tantrums, the whole gamut.  All of the negative emotion has washed over me.  I realise that I probably will feel them all again, because healing is a process.  It does not just happen.  But I've been blessed this time with the overwhelming miracle of feeling compassion and a sense of what really matters.  I've been filled up with passion to go out and make my dreams into my reality.  Those positive emotions are anchored deeply this time.  They feel like they belong to me and won't be fleeting.

 I've been given freedom to not wait anymore.