My neglect has not been intentional, I promise! My neglect is the product of three issues.
I have too many dreams on the boil and not enough time in the day to focus on them all!
Life has been crazy busy! The kiddlywinks are back at school, my husband started a NEW JOB, and we're in a juicy state of chaos! Hopefully, we'll find a pattern to it all soon and fall into our regular serving of chaos!
I am a perfectionist!
It is ISSUE C that ALWAYS HOLDS ME BACK!
You know my first post on this blog about not waiting anymore to do what I want to do? LOL Well... it still applies! But the enemy of that attitude for me is PERFECTIONISM!
Now I don't mean the type of perfectionism that is depicted by show home living spaces, straight A grades, every single I dotted, T crossed and manicured nails and salon styled hair each day. Far from it!
I'm afflicted with the other variety of perfectionism. The type that can render me motionless - completely imcapacitated from the brain down. The type that sees me leave things until tomorrow, or when the children go to bed or any other procrastinatory notions! My head will whirr and buzz and I can see and taste and feel what I want to achieve. BUT... That big big BUT...
If I can't do it right, first time, there's no point starting at all right now.
Crazy thinking isn't it? I know it is.
In real terms, it means that if I can't clean a room from skirting boards to cornices, I won't do it right now (at all). Or if I can't come up with the opening line of an essay, I'll write the whole thing later. I'll leave a creative idea to fester in the darkness of my mind because I don't know the skills/have the tools/time to bring it to life right now. I even stagnate on the sofa rather than go for a quick walk to the park because its less than a kilometre and will take me longer to put my shoes on than actually walk! I tell myself that if its not going to take me at least half an hour and cover at least 3 kilometres, that it is not worth getting off my behind for!
It drives me crazy! Fixing a lifelong mindset is hard work!
All I can do is keep on calling myself on the madness and trying to correct it. I can keep on saying things to myself like "near enough is good enough" and "just get it out there" and "you can't ever get it right if you don't ever get it started". Sooner or later, I hope, I'll believe those words and never procrastinate over getting it right and done first time ever again! Until then, all I can do is keep on talking over the defective baseline in my noggin.
So issues A and B will sort themselves out over time. I'm working on lists and setting goals and formulating projects for making things happen. My family are adjusting to new schedules and jiggling logistics. That will slot into place soon enough. But Issue C... LOL That one needs constant attention.
So there is my excuse for neglecting my baby blog. It most certainly isn't that I lost interest. I just haven't been able to write what I wanted, when I wanted to, in a manner that made me feel ok about anyone reading it! I prefer to settle into inaction when doing things for my family, myself or my friends. Doing something that is sitting out in the pixellated ether is that much harder! Its got to be perfect because "someone" might read it, right?
The fear of judgment. (Another topic for another day perhaps?)
Well someone might read it. And if they like it they'll keep reading and the message, as imprecise, grammatically malfunctioned and lacking in finesse, will (hopefully) get through. And if not, WHO CARES! Really? There are a zillion other blogs out there to go read!
What really matters most, to me, is that I will have gotten what's on my mind, out into the open. I'll be set free from it buzzing inside my cranium. I'll be rewarded with knowing that I did something perfectly imperfect.
Thumbing my nose at perfectionism & procrastination!
"You both lost this round!" :-p